Shorter, informal thoughts not fitting for a full blog post. At times, may or may not read like a diary, but I try to extrapolate from my experience to produce something relatable, or at least, attempt to capture a potent and topical idea, feeling, or experience.

2024-04-19: One of the few podcasts I tune into is A Bit Fruity with Matt Bernstein, and I like it because it covers a lot of right wing grifters and general bigots, and through unpacking what they're doing, Matt completely defangs and demystifies them.

I learned from the way Matt and his guest speakers talk about these people who do horrible things is that there's an option other than feeling dread and terror towards powerful, hateful people: you can just laugh at them. Matt models this well. He never displays a panicked fearfulness, but rather talks lightheartedly and cracks jokes about these people and ends up exposing just how pathetic these people are when the whole picture is laid out.

I love that he assigns the label "grifter" to the likes of detransitioner Maia Poet and closet conservative(?) Gwen Stefani, etc. He usually finds a way to empathetize with these individuals, identifying the inherent tragedy in some of their stories, while steering away completely from excusing their behavior. Like, it's interesting hearing them point out that Ashley St. Clair, alleged mother of one of Elon Musk's children, was clearly pursuing him as a way to cash in on a social contract promising privileges that, of course, Elon would not recognize, and now she and her child will suffer for it.

I've learned it's harder to be scared of detransitioners who weaponize their experiences and pander to the right when you realize that they're trying to gain sympathy and privileges by doing the right's bidding that the rest of us aren't afforded, and it's just pathetic. They try to gain acceptance and respect from the very people that hate them. Like, babes, don't you understand they still don't see you as human? Does it not hurt to contort and morph yourself into something palatable? You start to realize that maybe these people don't even believe what they're saying, or that they don't really stand for anything. They're just chasing respect, or power, money, and status, and that's a sad existence.

Bringing it back to the laughing thing, I think it's really important not to let yourself be so daunted by horrible people. Yes, it's normal and expected to feel terrified, but your fear may be weakening you- incapacitating you, even. I'll speak for myself here. Sometimes I hear news while in a bad headspace, and it'll immediately send me into a suicidal state as I start to feel like the world is a verifiably bad place and there is no hope and I'm bound to be squashed like a bug by the very people I allude to here.

I'd rather laugh at them, instead. I'd rather laugh at the hypocrisy and revel in the fact that the man who wants so badly to be liked by everyone is liked by virtually no one. I invite you to laugh too. We need you here, alive. I want you here. I want you to imagine with me a better life for all of us. Cultivate some resilience with me. There is good in the world too, I promise.

2025-04-18: There's a writing spectrum spanning from, "Oh my god, get that cringe garbage away from me. I will never look at it again lest it burn my eyeballs" to "I only read my own work because it's so good." My sample pool? r/fanfiction. LOL. Listen. Listen, my sources don't matter here; it's anecdotal, alright?

For my fiction writing, I usually end up liking what I wrote after I wrote it, but as time passes, a retroactive cringe is applied to it and I'm scared to read it again. Usually, when I get past myself and read it, I'm actually like, "holy shitballs, this slaps!!" Which is also to say I start to forget what I've written fairly quickly, so it's a little treat for me to rediscover.

But it's interesting, right? Some sound writing advice is to write what you want to read, especially if it doesn't exist yet, and I try to keep that in mind, that I'm my first and primary audience member. It's tough when I feel I don't have the skill to fully implement what I envisioned a work to be, but it usually takes a life of its own and surprises me. I work with story beats (the exciting bits) and pants the rest.

As I lurk in the reddit forums, I see some people on the far end of the spectrum, and they love their work so much as to read and re-read it. I'm happy I'm not so far into the hate-it side that I completely denounce my work, because that sounds like a painful way to go about it. A past version of me would fall closer to that side, but my relationship with writing has changed enough from what it was before. I remember feeling an old disgust seeing my work and it just having "me" written all over it. I couldn't divorce the fact that it was written by "me," which was probably a shame-feuled feeling.

I'm thinking about doing a little marathon and reading all the fics I posted since starting last winter, and I'm curious how I'll feel about it. I also need to get back to my big longfic project I started in January... I've got a handfull of people waiting for an update (hell, I'm waiting too!), but I need to reread everything and figure out the end, which also requires watching the rest of the cutscenes of the source material, which is a drag.

Supported reading: Do you (like to) read your own works? and Do you guys ever hate your own writing?

2025-04-16: Naming discord channels fun themed things is cute and all, but it feels like an accessibility oversight. For the life of me, I don't want to have to memorize what each one means. To illustrate what I mean, imagine a Minecraft themed server named their #general chat #overworld and their #food chat #lava-chicken. You can begin to guess what name pertains to what or look at the channel description each time you forget, but it's just too disorienting for my liking. I'd rather it be a straightforward call-it-what-it-is.

2025-04-16: I lament not being able to understand more Japanese while acknowledging I just have to put in the work. 7 months is no time at all, but it is not insignificant. I am learning, though. I recognize more and more kanji and spoken words, and can read familiar words quickly. I'm just perpetually burnt out. Intensive study requires significant energy; however, I made 27 new flashcards yesterday (simple, but full sentences!) based on a video I was watching.

2025-04-16:
Listen in with me. Reminds me of Persona 4 music. Think, Your Affection. Though, Heartbeat, Heartbreak is my favorite.

I have not been feeling so good, Mr. Stark. Even with warmer, brighter weather, the looming, thick-gray cloud of depression and anxiety hang over me. My largely successful move to choke out tech usage is likely exacerbating that. As I sit with myself, I sometimes remember how much I dislike myself. Oh? The phone is ringing? It's asking me to employ some self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Ew. Must be a spam number. [Block Caller].

Here's something I've been thinking about: I used to loathe the, "Don't worry, it gets better!" platitude because who are you to promise me it gets better?! You don't fucking know that. Maybe things get better for you, but no for me. (Fact-check required; request denied).

Things actually have gotten better for me and, in small ways, they continue to improve. Gaining of experience and knowledge smoothes out some of life's worst features. I feel like our 20s are supposed to universally suck because literally what the hell is going on?

Anyway, my past therapist used the forest metaphor once. You probably know the one. Struggle is being in the woods, the canopying leaves casting darkness upon you. You don't know how long you'll be in the woods, but you're bound to come out. You just don't know how long you'll be in the woods.

So, like, things got better for me, but if I had to quantify it, I was in the woods for ten years, and I'm still dealing with the effects of what I experienced there now. I saw the sun and felt its warmth for a brief window this summer, but I feel like I'm in more woods now, and I distinctly lack the imagination to envision a better life for myself. I can only ever see my circumstances now, perpetually cursed with tunnel vision. It's crazy, though, something could happen tomorrow that drastically changes my life for the better (or worse!) and in retrospect, it'd all feel like fate that brought me to this moment.

I just notice myself asking over and over, "When does it get easier? When will things just go right? When can I catch a break and just have a period of no friction?" I don't think it exists. Things have and do go right for me, but I tend to focus on when things go wrong; it's louder and more painful, anyway.

I've run into an insurance issue with my medications this week, and when I learned of it, I had an internal freak out. In a sleep-deprived feuled, anxious fever, I envisioned a near future where I lost access to affordable medication. Anyway, I think it should be fine. I'm trying to get it worked out. It seems like a comparatively simple issue and I have enlisted help. The uncertainty of the moment is very difficult though, as I'm almost out of one of my meds.

The challenges don't stop, but my ability to meet them has improved. While I still lack some resiliency, many problems experienced as acute catastrophies, I've more often than not stepped up to the plate and addressed the problems anyway. Look at how far I've come. I haven't been so frequently just ignoring and avoiding my problems until they resolve themselves or reach a head. The more experience I have, the easier it gets. I've been able to make phone calls same-day or next morning instead of three weeks later, for example. I often have a script for what to say now. Things are o.k. It will be o.k.

I prefer a slight adjustment to the platitude. "Things may yet get better," and when I'm feeling stuck, I just remind myself that, "the only constant in life is change." Things will not always be like this, and that can be both positive and negative. Even good times end, so cherish this moment. Someday you might feel nostalgic for it, likely having conveniently forgotten the bad parts.

One of my favorite tools/journal exercises/don't-kill-yourselfs-you're-so-sexy-aha is to list the things I'm excited for. This post warrants one. Here's my list:

• Tattoo flash event (April, 2025)
• Volunteer work (April-May, 2025)
• 800815 (May, 2025)
• Beastars S3 pt. 2
• Deltarune (ch 1-4) game release (June 5th, 2025)
• Wicked: For Good (November 21st, 2025)
• Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse (June 4th, 2027)
• Persona 6

2025-04-15: In the remaining months I was set to finally move out of my dad's place, I leaned a lot on my aunt (and surrogate grandma). One night, I made a bold-faced statement to my aunt. I said, "When I move out, I want my room to be empty. I want it to feel like I was never there." The heaviness of that statement hung in the air, and I was a bit shocked at its own potency. My aunt did not wince. I think she understood the gravity of it all. Black sheep to black sheep, we are the same, only differing in generation and temperament. She's a master at tempering her emotions; I can only hope she hurt for me when I said that.

It was a statement made out of anger and hurt and, still, I stand by it. I always felt invisible in that house. I hoped it would sting if my siblings or my dad walked in and saw the stark, cold emptiness and felt my absence. I'm inclined to think they wouldn't feel anything for me; I always felt invisible in that house. My aunt did note how odd and distinct my choice was- a final severing. She noted how all my other siblings left stuff in their closets and decorations on their wall as a promise they'd come home. They did not denounce their home as I had. I don't plan to return any time soon.

I harbor a lot of anger towards my siblings because they long gave up making even a basic effort to know me. I always felt invisible in that family. It's not personal, necessarily. We're not the kind of family that knows how to connect with each other. Every one went to live their own, independent lives and everyone on the outside was nearly forgotten about. However, my sister was the second one to tell me, in a roundabout way, that I was unable to feel my family's love and support. And, y'know? She's right. I don't feel it. You eventually learn, in a dysfunctional and abusive family, that words mean very little. What's the phrase? "Actions speak louder than words?" Yes. I might be the "insane" one, but my felt intuition is tuned correctly.

I loathe that I'm the "crazy" one. I loathe that I'm somehow the bad guy just for existing. I'm cursed to forever live with this burden; that is, the burden of being born to dysfunctional people and punished for merely existing. I haven't been so on the nose lately regarding trauma- I refrain from obsessing over it anymore- but I felt moved to write this one.

Edit: The sticky thing about trauma narratives is that they're seldom revised since they were first written into stone. The story might be years, even decades, old. I could write a fuller post about this, but I think an important step in resolving trauma is updating your story to reflect your present life. Usually, there's some type of information or perspective missing from the story.

As I'm thinking about what I wrote, I notice the parts I've been repeating over and over, carving a deeper pathway in my brain. Yes, I continue to suffer for being different, but also, I don't need to blame myself anymore for it. Being alienated by my family is a reflection of them and not me. But I will also say, it's hard to accept this when the validation is so lacking. It's hard to feel like I'm not going crazy when the majority is telling me I'm going about life all wrong when they can't possibly see the whole, holistic picture. It's certainly complicated, but self-compassion is crucial to healing in conjunction with forming new perspectives.

2025-04-14: I'd like to talk even more about the consequences of excising social media from your life, and it's something I worried would happen and it kept me from trying for a long time. I had a feeling I'd feel so incredibly lonely without it, because social media at least gives the appearance that you're connecting with people.

Like, hell, I'm telling you about how I don't want to be able to see the like button in Neocities but without it, I feel invisible. I don't like reminders of how lonely I really am and I seriously don't have the energy to go out and just make friends. Besides, it doesn't work like that. Friendships take time, and that's if you're even able to connect with anyone.

So, it's one of those small but pivotal moments where I decide whether I'm willing to tough out the current discomfort and build new habits. I thought I'd miss Instagram, but I don't. The little feedback I get on what I create? I might miss that too much. But if you saw how many times I check- worship- my stats each day? Embarrassing.

I've linked this webpage on unplugging on my links page, but it's especially relevant to this as our goals at least somewhat align. Wichitalk published a real morose update. It strikes me how they talk about how people are inspired and linking their page and suggesting that the value is somehow diminished because they're (self-reported) failing/struggling with their goal. As corny as it sounds, I think it's the effort that counts, and we can always pick ourselves back up after messing up and doing expressly what we don't want to do.

I take solace in Wichitalk's update. I'm not the only one struggling with this, and I'm in good company. I'm also running away from something. (I feel most of us are, in some form). That's why I identify my personal social media usage as a distraction. And just as Wichitalk points out, I'm also very hard on myself, and that's hard to let go of.

2025-04-13: I have significant gripes with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and I'd like to write about it sometime, but in that, I also think it has its place. I've gotten to the point where I can accept that some of the stories I tell myself are verifiably not true and it is not a threat to acknowledge that.

Since I've been writing more, I've noticed moments where I've been thinking about my writing and I get stuck on something I've written. I hate misrepresenting myself and being inconsistent, and so sometimes I'll go back to that line I'm stuck on and think, "Do I really believe that? Do I know that to be true? Do I know enough about this to even be covering it?" I think I let myself get away with small misrepresentations because the lengths it would take to illustrate the most accurate picture is not worth it. Sometimes, vibes alone are enough.

So, while I was already aware that writing promoted self-awareness and understanding, this specifically was an unexpected realization and tool for myself outside of the realm of therapy (in which case, I find therapy to more often than not serve as just another institution that props up capitalism and the status quo).

2025-04-13: Keeping on the theme of ragging on the metrics baked into social media, let me just tell you how nice (and alien) it is for the numbers to disappear. I've got an AO3 skin that hides all the stats- kudos, hits, comments- from everyone's works and it is so nice. It is so nice to not use stats as an automatic shortcut into evaluating whether your or someone else's work is worth any value. It's like the noise is taken away. I just wish there was a way to prevent myself from turning off the skin because I have little restraint.

Same with Neocities. I have the Stylus extension installed and use one of the few offered styles called 'Neocities No Followers' and it is so peaceful not to know how many followers anyone, myself included, have. I wish I knew how to hide the like button too, even though I just talked about how I appreciate the like button as a (albiet, not fullproof) form of feedback. I wish I was able to turn these things off in settings especially when I have no way of hiding them on mobile browser. Just, get rid of the metrics altogether, across the board.

Edit: I'm so silly billy. I went to double check the 11 existing styles offered and 'Neocities Goodie Bag' actually does hide the, as they aptly word it, "popularity metrics." So, the like button is currently hidden, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stick through the change and not turn it off, y'know? I know I can circumvent it by viewing on mobile as well . . . You couldn't convince me social media isn't hostile design.

2025-04-13: I recently picked up the webcomics Encore! and Cherry Crush upon recommendation and, over a couple of days got caught up in each. I went to reddit to find more bl recommendations and many people were recommending this one specific title, so I went and tried it out.

Well, it wasn't my cup of tea. I tried. I felt the writing wasn't very strong and the antagonists were cartoonish and flat. My biggest gripe is how the author uses transphobia, homophobia, and sexism as a tool to further the plot. It'd be different if it existed as some type of commentary, but it doesn't. The conflict isn't even compelling either as I fought boredom and hoped it'd just get better eventually.

Reading this story made me realize I've grown accustomed to stories with queer representation in a universe where transphobia and homophobia are near-nonexistent, and it's really relieving. It's nice to have trans and/or gay characters who just get to exist and have "normal" people problems, and where their identities are secondary (trivial) to others, just as cishet identities are. It's nice seeing none of the characters bat an eye at a gay couple, or having trans characters who don't have to enforce their name and pronouns; it's just accepted. I think there's a place for stories like that- a need for it, even.

I don't want to watch the "homosexuals" be ushered out in chains for a mere plot device as much as I don't want the main character's sister pointing out he's "biologically a girl." The story also makes a point of the mc's transness being this big secret, and I don't like what message that sends to the audience. Even as the author reminds us that their character's transphobia does not reflect their own beliefs and are merely a product of this fictional society, and are destined to undergo character growth, it just feels icky and for no other reason than to shoehorn in cheap drama. Seeing transphobia and the like in stories like this often elicit such a visceral reaction too. It's just too real and it's just too close to home, and now I'm unnecessarily uncomfortable while reading your story.

That's not to say your story can't have any drama surrounding queerness. But, honestly, I'd much rather read stories where queer characters are being suppported, loved, and celebrated. If there's conflict, consider making it internal. Have a trans guy experience dysphoria about how he doesn't feel manly enough and then have somebody enthusiastically reassure him otherwise. Innummerable trans readers may be living vicariously through that character and find a relief in it, or even just witnessing a good example of healthy love and acceptance, as they may have never experienced that in their own lives or knew it was even possible. Basically, I don't want to see more trans struggle stories. What value do you even add to the world when you're writing that stuff in? I'd rather us imagine a better world through story. I want to read more about trans joy.

2025-04-12: I spontaneously posted a oneshot fic this morning. I drafted it two weeks ago and had some fun concepts to play with, but I got stuck on a few things, so I put it away to forget about for a bit. I managed to wrestle with it and pull it together over the past few days. I put together a draft in AO3 to try to move it along. I told myself since I was bored with it, that I would move on from it after today, and that somehow breathed a new life in it (extinction-burst-baby) as I performed my final edits and subsequent read-through. I think I was just trying to accept it as it was, perfect writing be damned.

So, I posted it in an excitement. I didn't even set it to Anonymous this time so that everyone could know who wrote such peak cinema... It was one of my more depraved fics, which I strive for. The last one I felt this embarrassed about ended up being the second best recieved, the first also nasty in its own respect and most aligning with my interests at the time.

After I posted this fic, I felt like my whole body was on fire- not physically- but rather emotionally. I wanted to bash my head into a wall I felt so overwhelmed. I was as excited as I was anxious as a fresh work birthed into the world with zeroes spanning the stats. I've written about the whole "engagement" thing before, but I've since deleted it. Drat. In short, it's not about the numbers in itself, but the numbers are representative of real people- readers- who are engaging with the fic. Yes, I write for myself first, but when I send it into the world, I am doing so to communicate with whoever engages with it. The art speaks for itself, but I hope others speak back. And, it's a difficult feeling to be so excited over publishing a work I poured so much love into and then experiencing how anticlimatic it is after it's posted, like it's just sent into the void. There's no confetti and no people saying, "Congrats!" I just have to wait for people to find it and move on with my day.

The thing is, though, it's not sent into the void because people are seeing my work on AO3 and here too! It feels so terrifying being visible and witnessed when I'm putting out very vulnerable art (ie. honest, raw pieces of me). Sometimes I feel shy and daunted when my Neocities feed updates show up to everyone. I want everyone to be aware I've published something new, and there I am, right there, with my words for all to see, and I feel like hiding. And I hate how much stock I tend to put on the amount of likes a post gets. It's sometimes the only feedback I get, though, I would like to very graciously acknowledge every single person who has ever left a comment on my page. Thank you.

I'm overjoyed I've even been able to pursue writing like I have. I've wanted to be a writer for years, of fanfiction too, but perfectionism, shame, and fear, barred me from it for about 10 years. It's just so interesting that even though I'm doing the thing now, fulfilling one of my dreams, it's not some fairytale. Fantastical thinking aside, part of honoring the dream is being terrified and uncomfortable and doing it anyway. I just have to get over the stirring, turbulent and fearful feelings I get posting. Ideally, it should get easier, but it may not. Despite it all, I will post.

On a related note, I have an RSS Feed now. I have to negotiate with myself on how I want to structure updates. Lately, I've been updating the site daily, but I don't think I want to send out an RSS update daily. Batching things together is likely more valuable for the both of us. Otherwise, I also implemented an Update Log on my homepage which should ideally keep with the daily updates so you and I know what's changed on the website. At risk of repeating myself, I'm trying to strike a balance with the social media aspects of these sites in a way that minimizes personal strife because I would like to avoid unnecessary strife resulting from these features!

2025-04-11: I was looking through old images and I found this from three Halloween's ago. I don't normally dress up, but I was working a shift on Halloween and the others were dressing up. So, I freestyled this- hold your seahorses- Patrick Star balaclava. Yup. You heard me right. I personally thought it was really funny (and to some uptight people, I would imagine, probably weird). I made it in a weekend while I was visiting family out of state. The time crunch really lit a fire under my ass and it's one of those projects that made me feel like I was possessed by some otherworldly god that I was even able to pull it off.

Would you believe that I ended up frogging the balaclava? It just sat on a shelf for a few months and I knew I'd never wear it again. Plus, bad memories attached to it so I didn't like looking at it. So, now it is no longer, only memorialized through a photograph. A part of me wishes I still had it. But, seriously, it would've just sat around like the clutter it was. I could've gotten one of those foam heads to display it on, though, if we're arguing this counts as art.

I tend to look back at old photos and think, "Wow, I was cool once," as if I am no longer cool. This one was just especially cool because I normally don't freestyle crochet and get loose with it, as I am creating something original. But, okay, I do this all the time. In the moment, I tend to feel uncool, ugly, or no longer doing cool things, but then I look back at a photo even a few months ago and I'm like, "Woaw!! You were so pretty and cool [and you couldn't see it then, and you're ugly now, haha!] . . ." as if I've changed so much . . .

2025-04-10: I don't feel relieved when people give this specific writing encouragement: "The first draft is supposed to be a flaming piece of garbage! And then you fix it from there." Cuz, most of the time, my first draft becomes my final draft between formal, informal, and creative writing. I edit along the way, so it's not completely raw material, but besides that, I don't do heavy revisions. I just don't know how else to improve it, and that's not me implying I'm some great writer. I'm not. I'm middling at best.

I know I'm not the only one who basically puts out first drafts, but I do feel like less of a writer because of it. I'd definitely get better if I asked for critiques on my creative writing, but I don't because I am too sensitive 😊. I have low self-esteem towards my writing and it tends to be so personal, so a criticism would feel like an attack on me too, and I'm convinced it would seriously distress me and negatively impact my will to write more, so I avoid it. I'm dying to be a better writer, though. I'm bored of writing the same ol' shit. But until I can get over myself, I guess I just have to deal with it.

I'd argue there's a utility towards putting out the rawest version of writing/art you can stomach. I'm kind of all about just getting stuff made and out there as soon as possible before any doubts can set in or the passion fizzles out. And I think there's a utility to sitting on something and letting it simmer and develop. I gravitate towards the prior unless I'm really stuck on something.

2025-04-09: I quit my remaining social media usage cold turkey about a month ago and I don't miss it. I technically still access Instagram from my browser in case I need to check something, but it's been so demystified and the browser version (especially mobile) sucks so bad that I don't enjoy being there. Youtube has been demystified too; most of the stuff there doesn't catch my eye, and I've been around long enough to know not to click videos like, "My ADHD was ruining my life. Here's how I cured it." I use Invidious where I can and have my home feed set to subscriptions view. Invidious, in general, requires a slower pace due to friction. It takes time for a video to load and it may require you to switch instances or wait for the captcha to do its thing before viewing the video.

And so, I've had a lot of moments where I'm bored out of my mind. It's for the best, and I hate being bored out of my mind. It's not like there's anything I want to be doing with my time. I can only study so much Japanese before I feel oversaturated. I can only do so much crochet until my wrist hurts. Honestly, I've been creating so much lately that I feel less of a desire to create. Too much of a good thing, I guess. I can't bring myself to fully step away from the website, though, and I'm still juggling a few ideas of what to do next. I catch myself constantly working through things I'm trying to understand and drafting blog posts or writing in my head.

Sometimes, I recieve a false sense of accomplishing something if I, for example, just go and check my AO3 stats for the tenth time that day. Same with checking the Neocities feed. Even as I'm trying to choke out all distractions, I still manage to find something else to (ultimately fail to) sate me.

I can shower without music now. It's about getting past that initial discomfort, and I like having the space to think. Regarding the being bored part, I think I don't have enough novelty and challenge in my life. I am still stretching and growing but my bar is set high. I need to feel like I'm making significantly more progress and I need something to be excited about. I think the amount of progress I desire is unsustainable for daily life. I think I need a new hyperfixation, hobby, or goal to focus on. I'm so proud of myself for sticking to Japanese seven months later, but I miss that intense hyperfixation period from the first three months because of the vitality it breathed in me.

I just gotta use my brain, I think. I could bear to be a little more creative with my problem solving and I could bear to be more focused on the right things instead of all the distractions.

2025-04-08: In today's essay, I will discuss the importance of blushies in the comic medium in order to express attraction and other strong emotions.

2025-04-08: Last night, I experienced that awful feeling of aloneness (and loneliness). I got off call with bestie. She'd be going to sleep and I'd be awake for at least 9 more hours, as I'm stuck in a phase of staying up all night and sleeping through half the day. Even as I was texting people, I felt like I was the only one on Earth that existed. Was it dissociation? No, I don't think so. But it was odd and uncomfortable. I ended up watching videos and playing my puzzle game and, eventually, I journaled like I had wanted to. I think there's a struggle with transition there, from talking to bestie for a few hours to just being alone.

Don't get me wrong. I know how to be alone and I like being alone, but not when it feels like I need somebody, like I need support or just companionship. It reminds me that bestie can't be everything for me, not that I ask that of her. But I remember how lonely I was before meeting her and how untethered I felt. I've spent so long being alone, even now. Though, a little bit of support goes a long way, and just having a bestie has improved my life drastically.

I think the advice, "Learn how to be alone and enjoy it" is not advice catored towards me, partially because I already do that. It's for the people who are so terrified of being alone they avoid it. I have no other choice. Most people make me uncomfortable. Why would I want to be around you if you just drain me and stress me out?

It's a curse. It really is. I hate that I can't feel fully connected people- not without anxiety, and I'm surely masking it; you likely wouldn't tell there was anything wrong- and I can't reach out for support as much as I'd like to; I generally feel misunderstood and too strange to bridge the gap. There's not a single relationship I'm 100% comfortable in, anxiety-free. Bestie comes the closest to that, but she has her limitations (we all do). But I do ache for more of that. I ache for more anxiety-free conversations where I don't have to clench the whole time. I ache for the energizing effect of being around like-minded people. I long for the ease of conversation with somebody who just gets me.

I'm in desperate need of community, but it feels near impossible to form anything given the circumstances. I feel like the ties I have formed have unfolded naturally and by luck- everyone in their right place at the right time. It's best when I don't force it, so I've resolved myself to spend lonely mornings writing blog posts and carrying on.

2025-04-06: I wrote some weird fanfic last night just to prove to myself that I could. No one had written for this pairing yet either, so it felt nice to be the first. It was about 1,500 words and I just let myself be hammy and corny with it. Two really, really good lines came out of it and that makes me feel good. More than anything, I need my stuff to be interesting to me, perhaps taking precedent over being well-written. If I'm bored by the writing, so are the readers.

It's been well recieved so far, too. Somebody left a comment today and it stands as the best comment since starting in December. To roughly assign the class of fanfic it falls into, the commenter themself writes Spongebob smut. In my opinion, usually finding these fics starts with a curiosity. I actually looked up Squidward x Squilliam fanfic awhile ago just to see if it existed.

Anyway, the commenter lamented that I'd set the fic to Anonymous because they wanted to read more of my stuff. It made me strongly consider taking it off Anon, but all the other stuff I wrote has only been for Persona 5, so it didn't seem wholly worth it given how random and one-off this one was.

This was also the first of my creative writing I ever shared with my bestie or, really, anyone. I was so excited to read it out loud on call because I knew she'd like it in all its absurdity. I felt some stage fright as I started and I had to say out loud, "Cringe is dead," to comfort myself. Bestie did love it, and her two favorite lines were shared with the other commenters and me.

I'd consider it all a win. I'm branching out and I wasn't terrified to post as I used to be. It's nice to loosen up a bit and take myself less seriously. To take myself so seriously is to seriously castrate my ability to enjoy myself, improve, be flexible, and exercise fresh creativity.

2025-04-04: My mental health hasn't been so great lately. I feel this oppressive haze around me and it's hard to think or see straight. Everything seems much more catastrophic and unsafe and it's difficult to convince myself to let go of things that feel important in the moment. That, if I let go, then I'll be putting myself in iminent danger. You'd think, me being around the block a few times, I'd know differently. The anxiety isn't actually preparing me for what it thinks it is . . .

A few years ago, I wanted to dedicate the word "surrender" to the year as a sort of mantra. I swiftly lost sight of it, not that I had the guts to let go anyway. I think there's some truth to the saying, "You'll know what to do when [it] happens," [it] being any unforseen or projected outcome you fear. It's having self-trust in yourself that you'll respond appropriately in the moment. Even in cases where you don't know what to do, you're forced to do something and just get through it.

I can't bring myself to fully slow down. I can't bring myself to fully let go. I'm exhausted, yet I'm restless. What if something goes wrong and I'm not there to tend to it? Who would I be if I just let it go? I'm not sure I'd recognize him. I've long been a person who cares too much about things. Oh, how I admonish myself over that. "If only I could just care less," I tell myself. Do I really want that? I don't know.

2025-04-03: I remember how I used to love to read. That was up until my preteens, and I was okay with not understanding everything I read. By the time I entered high school, they were forcing us to read a host of classics, and I felt alienated because I didn't know enough about history and geography and my vocabulary wasn't solid enough to know what was going on without SparkNotes. Like, I didn't catch on that there was even a ghost in the beginning of Hamlet until it was brought up in class discussion. Did I not know what an "apparition" was or something?

So, I hated reading after that. The only way I'd read fiction specifically was to pick up a webcomic and read it, and even then, I was a slow reader. That was part of it, too. In high school and college, I'd be tasked with reading lengthy, dense articles and I felt alienated that it took me longer than everyone else. I couldn't bring myself to skim the pieces. I needed to read it all and understand the thesis in its entirety, and it always burnt me out and I would fail to finish reading them anyway.

Part of the slowness is because I wasn't able to fully invest myself in stories that didn't personally interest me, and sometimes, even the ones that did interest me, would be thwarted by my attentional issues. I'd read a paragaph or two and then ask, "Wait, what did I just read?" because my mind had already drifted in that time. Even worse now, the energy demand of reading is more apparent due to my constant fatigue, and I'm able to read even less than I normally would.

Lately, I've been able to accomodate my reading difficulties by either reading aloud (which still demands energy, but hones focus) or let the text to speech function in Firefox reader view read it to me (which sometimes fails because the monotone voice is boring).

Arguably, I've been reading a lot more in the past two years, and that's been intentional. Just not physically published fiction. I thought about making a blog post of its own arguing that reading is so much broader than just picking up a book. As far as I can tell, listening to an audiobook is still reading. Reading Reddit or Youtube comments is still reading. Yes, the quality of writing varies, but you come across some good stuff here and there, with prose-like sentences and vocabulary you've never seen before. I even consider watching a video by a writer, whether they scripted it or not, a sort of form of writing because they often talk as if they are writing. Reading blog posts, fanfiction, manga, and webcomics is still valid ways of reading. They're just different mediums that demand different things.

If anything, I can't pick up physical books still. Sometimes, I can force myself to read a physical manga volume, but it still feels like a chore. I agree with Ismatu Gwendolyn's thesis that "you’ve been traumatized into hating reading (and it makes you easier to oppress)", and I lament that I'm not there yet. Ismatu argues, too, that physical reading is an important and distinct skill from listening to writing, and that's hard to digest. This is also somebody who deals with their own set of challenges as a neurodiverse individual, so they argue neurodiversity should not strip you of your agency to try reading anyway.

I lament, especially, that I don't read physically published fiction because I don't think I'm going to get much better at writing fanfiction if I only read other fanfiction, which, by nature, doesn't go through the formal editing process a traditional story would.

I've been intending to write about this for some time now, but something specific tonight spurred me to. I was reading a fellow webmaster's creative writing on here, and I can recognize he's a great writer, but I feel that familiar sense of alienation when I find I can't fully comprehend what he's getting at. I feel stupid and I feel like I'm missing out, and with that type of energy, I feel like quitting instead of stepping up to the challenge.

It's worth mentioning that, as with any skill, cultivating a comfort with reading takes practice. It takes fighting through the discomfort and building resilience and endurance so that it can hopefully become easier and more enjoyable next time. I think I've built some endurance with the "safe" digital literature I've engaged in thus far. I'd just have to push myself with physical literature.

I've also started to make peace with being a slow reader. I saw somewhere that to become a faster reader, you shouldn't subvocalize as you do it, which is physically reading it in your head and hearing your voice as you do. I think the auditory aspect is essential in my processing. Also, I really get to chew on stories and digest them. I try to transport myself into the shoes of the main character and sense what they're sensing. I can practically hear the character's voices and feel their touch, and so on. I'm sure I may understand the story on the deeper level than one would if they skim or rush. And especially if it's a webcomic chapter/episode, there is no taking back what you've already read. You can't read it for the first time again. So, might as well enjoy your food instead of swallow it half-eaten.

2025-04-02: Being mentally ill is so rough sometimes (for many reasons, LOL). But, in regards to having a site, if I'm just a little too tired or extra anxious, I get the compulsion to delete parts of the site or the whole thing. Like, tunnel vision. I fail to recognize all that I built and how much it has meant to me. I'm just so good at abandoning things, and the typical shame in the moment sometimes proves too great. Like, with my creations, I can flip-flop between, "This is amazing!" and "This is so cringe I'm scared to even look at it." The compulsion to delete and start anew follows this logic: I cleanse myself of my shame and filth as I, naturally, corrupt everything I touch.

2025-03-26: Just as Ismatu expresses, I am painfully aware of the stage I'm on here on this personal website and, by extension, Neocities. Everything I publish here is written with the awareness of an audience. I try to lead with honesty and authenticity, but I notice the ways in which I edit myself. The presence of a stage implies I am performing.

I've been thinking about this topic lately, and I was inspired to put it on paper (webpage?) after reading d60010's blog post, entitled Let Me Show You, discussing editing and rewriting one's own story in public and private.

I think, even when authenticity is trendy on the internet, as it is now, it's impossible to be fully authentic. We're all cultivating our images on here in some way or another. Sometimes ensuring safety and privacy keep us from saying certain things, and other times, we just want to look good. Well, I'll speak for myself. I want to look good.

I notice myself smoothing out my edges because I don't want to appear too unhinged or too sick. I don't want people worrying about me here. Don't believe my smooth words. I am profoundly ill.

I think about talking about suicidality, for example, but I don't want to distress others and I have this weird complex that, at least spiritually, somebody is calling the cops on me.

I like people thinking I'm put together. I don't like people seeing the true extent of my suffering or dysfunction because I feel like I lose some of my dignity and people respect me less. I guess it's just masking? I don't know. I haven't been able to break through this cycle yet and allow myself to be seen struggling for genuine fear of being treated differently. Autonomy is extremely important to me, perhaps above all else, and it comes at the cost of other things.

If I just let people see my struggle, then maybe they could finally understand me better and it opens the opportunity for them to help me. (But a lot of times I don't want help!! I've felt let down by too many people and what they consider "help" to be). If I was more unfiltered, maybe it'd make me feel free? Or maybe it'd make me feel profoundly shitty seeing my shit-smear-life on paper.

2025-03-21: I forgot I placed a hold for Tokyo Ghoul volumes 4-6 until I woke up to an email that they were already in at the library. They came from a city an hour away, and I realize I may have held these books before.

Between the summer and fall of 2023, I was reading a lot more to fill the time while I was exceedingly lonely and jobless. I got through at least the first three volumes of Jujutsu Kaisen and midway through volume 5 on Tokyo Ghoul before getting burnt out.

I remember just starting to read Tokyo Ghoul in the seventh grade and loving the art style. Not long after, I swore off anime and manga because my dad thought it was demonic and my shame was too great. (What? A story about ghouls being demonic? Maybe. Would you believe me if I said he called Pokémon satanic? Pokémon). It was nice to, almost ten years later, finally return to the series. I'd consider a part of myself healed when I first checked them out.

Some of the stories I'm most drawn to are the ones where the main character exists liminally. That is, between two identities. Usually they belong to the "moral" human realm, but then have some "immoral," less human part of them too. And so they neither belong to one or the other because they're both. They tend to internalize the descrimination and hatred displayed by the society at large, hating that more "inhuman" part of them.

If you're interested in a great webcomic read, I'd recommend one of my favorites called Your Wings and Mine by hakeism. Half-angel half-demon Shealtiel befriends the demon, Luciferen, after he was originally tasked to kill him. It's a dramatic but largely comedic bl with some heavier aspects throughout, and it's finished now!

2025-03-17: Uh, yeah. Keeping with the current getting-off-social-media theme, I impart on you some wisdom. It's not an original thought; I got it from a video I know I'd not be able to find now, but it's good advice. That is, let yourself be bored.

I've done my fair share of, "But I'm neurodivergent!!" when it comes to advice I feel is not tailored to me. With ADHD, understimulation (which leads to boredom) can feel almost physically painful, so I prefer overstimulation. I also hate feeling like I'm wasting time, but that's me still being wrapped up in productivity culture.

Overstimulation isn't always great for your creativity, though. When you cram your brain with stuff, there's hardly any room for organic thought you see in such "shower thoughts". In fact, if I can, quite literally, bear taking a shower without music, I tend to just let my mind wander, and I may daydream, and usually, I feel inspired with new, exciting ideas.

When I was still actively working on my multi-chapter story, I'd run into a wall as to where to take it next. I'd rectify that by stepping away and doing something else, and usually it was something menial. I'd be driving and I knew, in the back of my mind, it was trying to work out the next part of the story, and usually I'd come upon a lightbulb-moment solution.

I also think we can be better problem-solvers when we're bored. Like, I'm not allowing myself to look at Instagram on my phone now, so what should I do with my time instead? The answer lately has been study Japanese. I've been studying so much Japanese lately.

2025-03-16: I took heed of badgraph1csghost's warnings on privacy and made some small changes. I've been thinking about ditching the Gmail account for ProtonMail, but it's like I needed permission. Google verifiably is a monopoly, and that's daunting, but also the reason I want to distance myself.

I changed my email on a lot of my accounts, updated the passwords to be stronger where need be (a New Year's resolution: stronger passwords), and deleted inactive accounts too. I'm trying to get myself to go from Youtube to Invidious too, and change any YT and Spotify embeds I have on the site.

I deleted my Substack account too. Devon Price brought me there, but I hate the social media feed and I hate how it all makes me feel. Some of it feels like some niche discourse that'd only exist online and doesn't really matter? Like, it's not things people "irl" talk about. Reminds me of my Tiktok days where the drama felt so real, but it only happened within the confines of the app. Nobody on the outside knew what happened there. It's an energy and feelings siphon.

I saw this post before I deleted my Substack account and I felt vindicated. I see people dickriding Substack, like how I mentioned a person claiming "doomscrolling Substack is like overdosing on broccoli." Meanwhile, the more I scroll, the more I want to fucking kill myself.

In regards to the remaining social media I still interact with, the taste in my mouth ferments and worsens by the day. Advertisements have long annoyed me to the point of anger, but lately, all I can think is, "Evil, evil, evil." It bothers me that I have to keep a Facebook account in order to recieve choir updates when all I can think is, "Evil, evil, evil.

2025-03-15: I've been thinking about idolism lately. I've been catching myself thinking, "Man, I hope this is somebody's favorite website, that they visit often, or at least that it sticks in their mind for some time."

I feel conceited saying it out loud. Granted, I have a few sites that are my favorite, and I check often and they stick in my mind even when away; however, it tends to border on idolism.

Without dressing it up in fancy clothes, I've long had an inferiority complex, and that extends to here too. I try to temper it, but my default is to see some of the people on here as better than me. They know something I don't. They live fuller lives. Even their suffering is more beautiful than mine.

Putting people on a pedestal is bad for many reasons. To idolize is to idealize; it is projecting this perfect image onto someone and it doesn't acknowledge their personhood. And inevitably, when they can't meet the impossible expectations you've set for them, the facade eventually falls apart in a sometimes bitter, but other times unremarkable way.

I used to follow this cutesy website and I never looked too closely at what this person wrote, but eventually they wrote something horribly transphobic and doubled down on it when politely challenged and I was disgusted. No, I didn't necessarily idolize this person, but I think because of how beautifully coded the site was, I thought they were better than me. Turns out they were just another person. Not better than and not worse than. Just a person with some bigoted views.

So, y'know, I don't want anybody idolizing me. I'm just some guy, and it's unfair to both of us if you idolize me. But I do hope that I make a difference by some of the stuff I create here. I hope I matter. Sometimes I do feel invisible despite any evidence otherwise. This isn't said to guilt anyone; I'm just making a statement. I'm fine. Just thinking about things.

2025-03-15: After another day of being overwhelmingly overstimulated, I decided to try again at quitting social media. I deleted Reddit and Instagram off my phone and greatly reduced the apps on my home screen.

So, I've decided I'm only allowed to view Instagram on my phone or computer browser. The browser version sucks so I don't stay for long. Just enough time to check the reels my friends send me.

Awhile ago, I installed IGPlus Extension so it'd hide reels and the discover page for me on my computer, which comes in handy now. It also only allows me to view my Following feed, which grows boring fast.

I've been removing digital clutter too, which also means unfollowing extraneous accounts or otherwise ones that grant cheap entertainment. Make IG boring!! Unfortunately, that means (warning, juvenile sex joke) @gojo_.strokes._hispickle_daily (LMAO) and @morningofmylifedaily need to go ...

I recently watched a video about getting off of social media and this person basically said, "Babygirl, you can't be stimming with Instagram Reels," and it cracks me up because it's true.

2025-03-14: I love that I'm not so mannish now that I can still compliment women on things like their nails and their hair and it doesn't come off as predatory. That's never my intention, of course, and I'm very much gay and effeminate.

I don't really know what to make of all of it. I felt I experienced a little taste of girlhood today. The woman taking my order said, "Let me see those cat eyes," in reference to my freshly done nails and I pushed my hands forward. She held my hands (and I loved it) and she tilted them so the light hit it just right to sparkle. She always has her nails done too, and I always ask to see them. Today, they were St. Patrick's themed.

I'm not sure if I pass to most people, and I'll never ask; I don't actually want to know. A part of me does want to know, though. How do you see me? I assume I don't pass because I go to the coffee shop often with chest unbound and voice high and shy, despite the thinning hair and patchy stubble to match. It doesn't wholly matter. People treat me nice and I feel more confident than I did before.

I'm not actually a man. It's merely a shorthand for ease of communication. More like a girlish boy-thing who insists upon absolutely not being a whole-woman. My bestie has always recognized me as a man. Don't tell her I said this, but I wish she was able to see me as I see me: how I'm a not-quite man who yearns for a taste of girlhood, but without feeling like an outsider as I always did living as a girl-failure.

2025-03-13:
Reacquired memory: My dad used to call me "sweet girl" despite me not being a girl, and given his propensity to demonize me, I was neither sweet. However, I find myself organically starting to call bestie "sweet girl" in some bittersweet reclamation, but this time it's true and a reflection of a real love divorced from conditions.

2025-03-13: Ugh, my brain is fried. I'm overstimulated. I've been perusing the Substack mobile app lately so that I could read more as opposed to just scroll; however, I've been extremely disappointed to find out that Substack is configured as just another social media app. ICK.

A poster yesterday tried to argue that "doomscrolling" on Substack was like overdosing on broccoli, but I can tell you when I got stuck browsing today, it did not feel good. Being informed on politics is good, but being inundated with it left and right is not good.

Also, I have this pathological desire to constantly be bettering myself. Nothing is ever good enough. I also have this weird belief that some people are more "enlightened" than me, like they have the answers I've been looking for, and that if I just keep looking, then I'll find them. Ew. Ew ew ew. I'm disgusted by myself.

Been thinking a lot about michaelmas's piece on disembodiment today. The voice I read it in is scathing and admonishing. I can't say what Michael's purpose in writing that was, but it challenges me and promotes some awareness.

I conflate disembodiment with, or maybe caused by, a systemic dissociation, and I'm just as quick to jump to defensiveness. I've always been an avoidant person, and it used to be a tool of survival, but it's a coping strategy I haven't outgrown yet. Also, dissociation prevents me from having so many severe and distressing PTSD episodes, for example.

But at the same time, dissociation is just choosing a different kind of discomfort. I let fear paralyze me. I choose to be stuck instead of doing the scary, hard thing. And in my depressive episodes, I feel flattened emotions: I cannot cry, I cannot rage, and I cannot derive pleasure out of things that normally bring me joy. In my depressive episodes, I mostly feel despair and hopelessness and sometimes terror.

So yeah. I'm overstimulated, but I'm not sure I can handle being present and being bored. I'm pacifying myself, I know that, and it feels good until it doesn't. Tonight, I deleted my Instagram app again and Substack too and I just want to be done. I worry, though, that I'll just replace one addiction with the next as I usually do, or cave and redownload the apps.

I'm even bummed Neocities has a social media feature because my monkey brain looooves it. There's no way, to my knowledge, to completely turn it off. I can turn off my site profile and delete my site updates, but I can still type https://neocities.org/ and there it is. I just found a Firefox extension to block sites, and that's cool and all, but the annoying thing is I can just turn it off, and knowing myself, I will just turn the block off and on as I see fit.

2025-03-01: Last time I did my nails, I started watching Trigun (1998), which was on my 'to watch' list. I associate doing my nails with watching Trigun now, but it may fade with time if it were only a one-time deal. I decided I wanted to keep on and maybe make it a tradition/ritual, so I turned it on while I did my nails this time.

I'm really not much for light-hearted, comedic animes that are also episodic in nature. I'd prefer if there was more of an overarching plot. It ever so slightly reminds me of Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) with their adventures, but Al and Edward have a clear goal from the beginning. I know Trigun has its serious moments, but pasted over it is the same levity that Vash carries himself with. I know there's a thick irony in the great Vash the Stampede who leaves destruction in his wake being this dorky guy who's lucky to come out of each altercation unscathed but, like the other characters, I have a hard time accepting him for who he shows us to be. Granted, he wouldn't be Vash if he was all serious, now, would he?

Despite my aversion to lighter stories, usually once I give them a chance and my reservations fall away, it's a refreshing change of pace. I'm not always so careful with what media I consume, and I feel I'm often poisoned and pulled down by icky stuff. The way I recieve my news is not very helpful, for example, and the effects have been deleterious.

The beginning of this song played on one of the episodes and it got me all excited. I listened to this song a lot last year and thoroughly enjoy it. I'm thinking about checking out the other music from the series because I heard another song in the anime that sounded beautiful.

2025-03-01: A solicitor for some unnamed charity approached my friend and me when we were out yesterday and I was extremely uncomfortable. My friend was quick to decline by giving a believable half-truth and the man left.

I felt bad after, as uncomfortable as I was, because his cause seemed noble and he supplemented it with a touching personal story.

Afterwards, I turned toward my friend and said, “I think I indirectly killed somebody today because I didn’t donate.” I actually didn’t say a word to the solicitor, but I didn’t buy what he was selling either.

It started sort of as a joke but also a (slight) hyperbolic representation of my guilt, but the more I said it, the more I believed it.

We called that evening and talked until early morning. My friend said she was proud of how she masterfully yet politely declined the offer, and I merely kept repeating, “I indirectly killed somebody today because I didn’t donate.” We were both laughing at the absurdity of my statement and she clearly cared enough to try to reassure me otherwise, but I kept repeating it.

I’ve really felt like a fundamentally rotten person lately, and I can only theorize the cause. I think it's a mix of things.

“I indirectly killed somebody today because I didn’t donate.”

2025-02-27: Last night, I did my best girl voice over the phone for my best friend to see if I could do it and, each time, I could feel the visceral cringe from her. She said afterwards that she's never cringed so hard, body curling in on itself. She said, "It was evil. It's just not you," and when I told her I wanted to put this in the blog she said she'd provide a testimony to which she reiterated, "I'm sorry for saying that. I love you, but it was evil and it sucked and I hated it." I told her it was affirming that she said that.

There's something really nice about meeting new people when you're well into your transition. Meeting new people, you have the gift of them only knowing you by your current name and your current voice. There's no wondering if, in the back of their mind, they refer to you with a name you no longer use, or if they hold onto that old version of you. I think it's a unique love; to be loved for who I am and not who you wish I would return back to.

2025-02-27: I think there's something oddly spiritual about the morning hours, from roughly 1am to 6am. I'm such a night owl, but how it usually goes is that I've finally built up all my momentum and you're telling me I'm supposed to break it by going to sleep? Lately, I've felt an incredible resistance to falling asleep because of this. My vision could have long gone blurry– as it is now– but I ignore the tiredness as I always do.

Settling into the quiet morning hours (or what I still consider night) can feel so special. There are no demands placed on me. The world is quiet. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've seen other survivors of abuse talk about how they appreciate the early mornings most as a solace. I wasn't allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door when I lived in my childhood home, even well into adulthood, and it was another act of control and a way to strip me of my autonomy and healthy need for boundaries. I would get paranoid that my dad would open my door without warning. You don't have to worry about stuff like that at night time, when everyone is asleep.

A note I wrote to myself via discord message after hearing gymnopédie no. 1 in an ad of all things. I loathe the everyday barrage of asinine advertisements, but this one sounded beautiful. I have a weakness for this song. Do note, I accidentally spelt his name wrong in the screenshot.

2025-02-26: The "holding space" Wicked press tour meme is so funny to me especially with how many people, Cynthia and Ariana included, were confused with the "holding space" jargon. As a reformed self-help addict, I was immediately like, "that's just therapy speak, lol." You see it a lot in some corners of the internet. Psychology and mental health have gone mainstream and been commodified, and so you get sentences like, "I don't have the capacity to be in relationship with you anymore because you no longer serve me. I'm doing all the emotional labor and you never hold space for me." Lol. You can talk like that if you want. It's just very impersonal and weird. I think a lot of people using this language might often feel more "enlightened" and more "healed" than someone not "doing the work."

2025-02-26: "I'm not allowed to be myself. I won't be understood. I won't be digestible. People won't accept me." Fine. Don't be understandable. Don't be digestible. Let them choke on you in all of your acrid taste. Yes, safety, acceptance, and support from others is important, but suppressing who you truly are will both eat you up inside and attract the exact wrong people that often will, in some way or another, punish or reject you if you ever start showing the true parts of you that you are hiding. It's lonely being around people who don't see you for who you are, and to make it worse, it's because you won't even begin to show them out of fear.

I say this all out of sympathy, for you and for me. I understand unmasking and accepting your true, unfettered (and likely messy, weird, cringy self) is hard and scary. Just know your existence doesn't have to make sense. Live in contradiction or know that two opposing truths can be true at the same time.

2025-02-26: I used to struggle a lot with anticipatory grief. It still comes up, but I handle it in a different way now.

As an autistic person, I was never able to keep any friendships for more than a few years. I was typically oscillating between what people call "anxious" and "avoidant" attachment. I was closed off with most, high masking and mirroring what I thought others wanted of me, desperate to try to make friends. But when I was fortunate enough to make a friend, we were usually fundamentally incompatible. Maybe, for a brief window of time, my compulsive people-pleasing and masking would artificially align us, but eventually, when the mask started to crumble (because it always does), I'd have a falling out with the friend.

I remember befriending somebody a few summers ago. We got along well and seemed to have similar enough temperaments, but I was masking hard. I remember spending time with them and instead of feeling joy, I'd feel anxiety and grief, wondering just when this great thing would fall apart, because it always falls apart eventually: nothing is forever.

Well, it did fall apart, and it was painful. I'm glad it did though. I don't think we were as compatible as we thought. Since then, though, I've begun to find my real identity, unmask, and accept more parts of myself. I met my now best friend in the fall of last year, and I think we truly are compatible. I went into the friendship as unmasked as I could, showing her my "freak" cringe side, and it gave her permission to show her "freak" cringe side.

I don't worry so much anymore when things will end. My friendship seems secure enough, and now I've got relationships that have lasted for 2+ years now. Sometimes the anticipatory grief comes up, when I look at my cat and realize she's going to die someday, or how some day, I'll miss this phase of my life. I'm not much one for "mindfulness," at least, not in the pop psychology sense, but the solution for me has been slowing down and just taking in the moment. I pet my cat, feel the softness of her fur and the weight of her laying on my chest, and I assure myself that she's alive right now, and that some day, when she's gone, I'll wish for this exact moment again. It's anti-taking things for granted, and it's recognizing that anticipatory grief does little to prepare you for the real thing. If anything, it just robs you of a beautiful moment while you're still in it. Everything must end. Everything. So enjoy it now.

I'm also not huge on affirmations, especially saying things you don't yet believe about yourself, but I heard one the other day that I like, and that is, "these are the good days." even if I, personally, am in hell during a certain phase in my life, once i'm out of that phase, I forget a lot of the pain and grief and still feel nostalgic for the little pockets of good memories that are no longer.

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